Bringing Something Beautiful

In a place that only held bad memories for me, I sat alone.

I sat alone, in the cold, in the dark with nothing but my thoughts.

It didn’t matter if my eyes were opened or closed, the darkness was swallowing me either way - and I welcomed it.

I sat there in the dark, thinking of all the terrible things that had happened to me there. Of all the terrible thoughts that were linked to this place. I thought of this day, a year ago and began to cry.

This place literally and metaphorically had no light for me.

Today, a year after my anchor to the world was lost to the bright beams of Heaven - I decided to bring a new, much lighter memory to this place.

I brought with me, 25 candles.

A candle for every year he was with me.

One by one, I lit each candle. And with each candle, I thought of a good memory.

I said it aloud and heard the snort of a horse or the sniff of my dog - and eventually the sound of my closest friend remembering with me.

I was in a barn - a place I turned to whenever I was upset or anxious.

A place I took out all my anger on the world by brushing the horses or simply sitting and talking to them - seemingly like a crazy person.

It just felt easier that way to me.

Once all 25 candles were lit, I sat and listened. When it was quiet enough - I heard the breath of the horses, and smelled the sweet wax of all the candles. At some points during the night, on the eve of one of my darkest days - I was capable of laughing.

In a place where I usually cry.

Today, I found a sense of healing, by turning on a light (or a few) in a place that was always considered a dark sanctuary.

It isn’t easy to bring positive thoughts to a negative situation. It isn’t easy to change your view of something that brings you pain.

But you don’t have to do it alone.

No matter who it is who talks you through the night - whether it be your closest friend or a voiceless horse, remember ...

You have someone.

It’s okay to bring something beautiful to a place of darkness.